Harry and Hank

Posted on by Pete Cross
Older Tim Hortons without people or cars

Hank: Hey there Harry, its been awhile, good to see you (shaking hands and sitting down)

Harry: Hey yah, nice to see you too. Can I get you a coffee, oh, I see you’ve already got one…give me a minute, I will go grab one.

(A pause, then Harry leaves and returns to the table.)

Harry: (as he sits, groaning slightly ) oh geez, feels good to sit down, my legs aren’t what they used to be my friend.

Hank: I hear you, by the time I finish taking my meds in the morning, it’s time for lunch. I spend half my day trying to open pill vials.

Harry: What are you on? I thought you were healthy as a horse.

Hank: Hell no, I am in to that Dr. prescription merry go round, you know the one where you never see them, they just talk to you over the phone..a pill for this, a pill for that…the usual old person problems… blood pressure, sugar levels, you name it they have a pill for it and they are quick to hand them out.

Harry: (laughing) haha me too, this getting old shit is for the birds

Hank: How is everything going anyway, still married?

Harry: Oh yeah, can’t go anywhere now, too much to lose (laughing) it’s too late for me to change course now…

Hank: I hear ya, as you know I split from the old lady a few years ago now, cost me a house. But they say if you haven’t given two houses away in a police career you are doing ok.

Harry: Ya, too bad though…I liked what’s her name..what the hell was her name again?

Hank: Susan

HarrY: Oh yeah Susan. That’s what I mean though, if I left or got kicked out, I would be renting a fifth wheel in a Surrey trailer park, and moving it around every few months to avoid the bill collectors….I actually know a Vancouver cop who did that for a few years. Worked for him though and then he finally he ended up finding a rich girl after flogging those datings sites, and is now living the good life.

Hank: Can’t live with them, can’t live without them as they say…whoever they is

Harry: What are you drinking anyways? I thought you were strictly a black coffee guy?

Hank: Its a flat white

Harry: A what?

Hank: A flat white…fancy name for an expresso with milk. My guts can’t take it anymore..used to drink gallons of it…now, I am on the shitter half the day if I have more than two cups.

Harry: Well at least your bowels are working…but lets get off this medical shit, we sound like we belong in a fucking home..

Hank: You’re right. Let’s change the subject. What do you think of this Surrey nonsense? Have you ever seen such a cluster fuck. They should never have gotten rid of the Mounties.

Harry: Maybe, maybe not, but that all started with McCallum and his hate for the Mounties, remember he was pissed about getting traffic tickets on his street. And he was always calling up the detachment, demanding to see the media guy too for all the bad publicity Surrey was getting in the news. Thought we were reporting too much crime.

Hank: Oh yeah, what was the media guys name?

Harry: I can’t remember, Tim something wasn’t it? Then the media guy went down in a cloud of glory after some sexual nonsense with some female members.

Hank: That’s right…fucking members and women, they never learn…all the women in the sea and they can’t see beyond the office doors.

Harry: Well that’s what just did in the CO, Dwayne baby…dipping his dink in company ink a bunch of years ago…coming back to haunt him now…everybody in the Mounties knows the story, its just not being released to the public. He is the talk of the town.

Hank: I hate to say it but our generation of leaders were always chasing the women. All of these guys, all were being played like violins when it came to women. What did me in was when I saw Paulson handing out cheques for sexual harassment, crying the crocodile tears. Christ, I even heard Dwayne was the front runner for the Surrey Police Service job. I guess that will be out the window.

Harry: I guess so. His buddy Brian Edwards was already in place, it almost looks like they had it all planned out and the plan almost worked. Edwards, MacDonald, and that whole Surrey crew, Manny Mann, Sean Gill I heard they were all partying with Locke on election night. McCallum hated the Mounties and Locke has a crush on them.

Hank: I heard that too. I hear that with MacDonald in the penalty box, Manny is now chomping at the bit to become the head of SPS.

Harry: Its crazy..that group were all campaigning against the SPS, now they are trying to be the head of it. They should bring back Kash Heed (laughing). They’ve already had Wally Oppal sitting on some sort of police board. Old Wally, now there is a guy with nine government lives.

Hank: No Kash wants to be the mayor of Richmond. There is so much of this stuff going on. Look at Adam Palmer, quits VPD and comes over as a Deputy Commissioner to the Mounties. I heard it was MacDonald that brought him over. Palmer I am told wanted to enter politics, and he was going to run in the Liberal riding, the one which they ended up giving to Gregor Robertson. Instead he gets parachuted in to a high rank and is now in charge of recruiting reporting directly to the Commissioner of the RCMP. Morals and principles clearly not very common in this bunch. What do you think it is anyway, the money or the power?

Harry: It has to be ego, all these guys are on easy street already with their pensions. Friggin Lepinski, can you imagine what that firing is going to make him in terms of a settlement.

Hank: Ya, and he was already collecting a few large pension cheques…he has no kids draining his bank account either, he must be a millionaire by now..

Harry: His biggest problem is that he just over estimated how fast that transition was going to take. But he is a politician and he sold it to everyone. Then his second big mistake was that he made an enemy with Locke.

Hank: Ya, did you hear her cover story, saying she didn’t know about the firing, what a crock of shit. I was out of town when it happened she said, sounded like some mafia boss trying to avoid a murder charge for a hit.

Harry: As they say you can’t make this stuff up. Pretty tragic though no matter which way you cut it..and I hear the SPS has other bigger problems now because of their rush to hire all the double dippers they could find. They hired too many cop pensioners all showing up to collect a second cheque, problem is they don’t want to work that hard.

Hank: Plus a lot of them were promised to be sitting behind a desk with their feet up as detectives after their first year or so and now they find themselves working a shift at 45 or 50 years old, not quite as cushy as they imagined it I guess eh

Harry: Hard to feel sorry for them though.

Hank: What a mess though, glad I don’t live in Surrey paying all those extra taxes that are coming.

Harry: Glad I don’t live in Surrey period. I worked in that City too long, could never live there. It’s a weird town and it’s getting bigger and stranger all the time.

Hank: Can you imagine owning a shop up in Guildford and the little pukes shooting out your windows demanding that you give them a cut.

Harry: And supposedly being run by an Indian guy in jail? Are you kidding me?

Hank: The south east asians, I have always said that if they ever got together and got organized they would be running the Lower Mainland. Problem is they can’t decide or agree on who wants to be leader, or how they are going to split the money, so they are all shooting at each other trying to be the number one.

Harry: Geez, better keep your voice down, you are not allowed to say things like that…we are in their home turf now in Tim Hortons.

Hank: (laughing and then whispering ) Ya, ya…I know…

Harry: By the way did you read Kim Bolan lately, about the dirty Surrey member ?

Hank: Soukary. Ya, he was a great one eh. Hardly on the job and he was already dirty, selling information, buying drugs, I think they said he had 13 drug charges. And now VPD has just charged one of their own for fraud, in the millions of dollars.

Harry: But look what happened in the end, Soukary only got 18 months.

Hank: Holy fuck, ya 18 months, that will show him eh?

Harry: Who said crime doesn’t pay.

Hank: Its goddamn depressing what policing has come to lately.

Harry: I hear ya

Hank: Did you see the video footage in North Vancouver, with the mental guy riding on top of the police cruiser, and the female officer driving in circles trying to shake him off…holy shit I laughed…what the hell is going on?

Harry: And before that North Van tasered and shot a guy at the same time while he was sitting in their cruiser trying to drive away… it was a banner couple of weeks for the North Vancouver detachment.

Hank: (laughing) ya, I saw that too…a whole bunch of officers yelling at him and he just casually jumps in their police cruiser, looked like he was eating a snack from the store…

Harry: The IIO will take their time with that one, that file can not come out well

Hank: Doesn’t pay to be a Mountie anymore…actually I take that back, it clearly pays well to be a Mountie now. It pays to be in policing period.

Harry: That’s the problem, they are attracting anyone with a heart beat wanting to play with lights and a siren, make a better than upper middle class income and have what they call a career now.

Hank: yes, we need to bring back the farm boy from Saskatchewan, happy to have a job and not minding scrapping it out once in awhile…

Harry: Not going to happen I’m afraid…new era buddy…we are in a softer and gentler world…diversity and inclusion my friend…

Hank: Oh thats for sure. We are both wrong colour wrong gender now. I just wish I was born thirty years ago and as an indigenous.

Harry: I am just glad I am not in there anymore. I wouldn’t last a week.

Hank: No you wouldn’t (laughing)

Harry: Well, did you want another coffee, do you have time to solve some other world problems?

Hank: No, I have got to go, have to pickup the new girlfriend, she is at Pilates right now.

Harry: Really? New girlfriend eh.

Hank: ya, a retired nurse, but she is still taking the odd nursing shift.

Harry: Nurses, they are as bad as cops. Find a cop find a nurse. What you don’t go to Pilates with her? She must be younger than you I bet.

Hank: Ya, ya, we will see if this one lasts. Not saying much yet. Diane is her name by the way. Are you kidding? Me Pilates. I tried hot yoga once trying to meet a girl, fucking near passed out. They stopped the class to see if I was alright. And she’s only 10 years younger. Still not collecting OAS yet (laughing)

Harry: Ten years eh. Well you could lose a few pounds my friend if you are going to keep up with her. Can’t take Viagra if you are on those blood pressure pills.

Hank: I think I am going on that Ozempic…take a few shots…they tell me it shuts you down so you never want to eat again.

Harry: That sounds like real fun. I think I am going to get that Botox in my arse cheeks instead, round out my shapely ass. Get the wife to pay more attention to me and not just on my birthday.

Hank: I don’t think getting a rounder ass is your biggest problem.

Harry: Besides, I kind of like my food too much for Ozempic, like the taste of it too. Wait a minute, what do you mean you’re going on Ozempic. Last time I knew you to faint at the sight of a needle.

Hank: Ya, that is a bit of the downside. I blame it all on Lululemon, the women are killing us, hard to keep up, they are out their hiking, pilates, yoga, …I think they just are getting ready for their better halves to flatline, get the pension all to themselves and then get themselves another man. And they want to look good for the next one.

Harry: They don’t want another man…another one of us…are you kidding…they just want to get the spoils when they outlive us, and they will. You better watch out, this new younger one may have a plan for you my friend.

Hank: You’re too cynical buddy, love is in the air, but on that note, I will take my leave, good seeing you …want to get together in a couple of weeks?

Harry: You got it. I think I will just sit here and contemplate life awhile, not really in a hurry to get home, the wife will be updating the honey do list right about now. She is into gardening now, so I predict a Home Depot trip this afternoon.

Hank: Suit yourself…I will see ya then

Harry: Ya for sure, see ya next week. Same place same channel.

The Gastronomic leanings of Police Officers

Posted on by Pete Cross

Philosopher Anthelme Brillat-Savarin is credited in 1826 of declaring, “Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are”. This has morphed slightly in these modern times to “you are what you eat”, a phrase now bandied about by every dietary consultant, gym enthusiast, protein pusher, and cross-training instructor, who are continually bombarding us with their pithy aphorisms on how to feel better and thus be a better person. If we are indeed a reflection of what we eat, or have eaten in the past, this may be a bit of a scary realization– especially for those of us in the earlier policing days, who have wolfed down the gas station hotdog, or enjoyed mountains of carbs in various forms, all doled out in the late night establishments catering to the midnight shift.

This blog is probably not for those of you who are religious in your meal consumption, you who weigh out your proteins, or create your morning shakes with your Nutribullet Pro 900. There are many police officers, old and young, who now take to social media, be it Twitter, Tik Tok, Facebook or Instagram, taking selfie poses to show off their personally cultivated abs and extraordinarily firm buttocks. Quite honestly, I don’t understand it. However, this is not yet the norm for all police officers, although this “healthy” at all costs is a growing movement in the world of the blue uniforms. The National Health Institute however, still estimates that 50% of police officers have a body mass index described as being in the “overweight range”.

Before going any further I must confess to being one of those people who now display the old age paunch and could definitely afford to lose 20 lbs. I would be much better off if I conformed to the retirement norm of 10,000 steps and replaced the peanut butter cookie with the keto nutri-bar. However that is not likely to happen–also I am a nicer person when I eat the cookie.

Throughout policing I was always conscious of my future health and the need to stay fit for the job. I was a constant gym user for all of those policing years. But, it was more maintenance than improvement as I worked shift work and was on call for many of those plus 30 years. This resulted in the consumption of mounds of pasta at late night eateries, most of which were unlikely to win any Michelin stars. According to National Health we were in those days, continuing to put ourselves in the position of “increased risk of weight gain and developing diabetes and cardiovascular” problems. In an academic explanation we were eating more “disparate meals” and we were suffering from a “displacement of the fasting/feeding cycle”. But, we didn’t spend much time worrying about it in those years and what I remember is a lot of good times, sitting with co-workers over a heart warming plate of food; admittedly, followed by many periods of indigestion and reaching for the Tums or the Pepto- Bismol.

What police officers eat is normally a result of two primary factors, availability and time of day. Those people working in remote or rural areas on a night shift are in desperate straights, often faced with a late night snack or meal from a 7-11, Circle K, a 24 hour Chevron station, or the ubiquitous Tim Hortons. (Tim Hortons by the way has an in house coffee shop located inside the classified walls of Surrey RCMP HQ- clearly a monument to bad coffee and unhealthy eating –and maybe an ode to old school policing.) Nutrition and calorie wise meals are almost non-existent in a lot of policing areas and would often be substituted by buckets of coffee and a honey crueller. In my early years, it was even more dire, as we were smokers, and there was many a long shift, where a Players Light would sustain us for 12 hours. I managed to kick the smoking habit, but not the coffee habit.

The new age police officer is much more in tune with their health. Even if they eat in an unhealthy way, they at least know they are eating poorly. They often now “prepare” their meals, lunch bags filled with nutritious small clear plastic containers with almonds, kale salads, a chicken breast and maybe a pudding cup. Don’t get me wrong, they are in all likelihood in better shape and less prone to illness– although the RCMP has unlimited sick leave and this remains a continuous problem, despite this new health awareness, there are a lot of officers calling in sick, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.

This is all to say that we seem to have lost something in our transition to the soy milk latte from the dark roast Tim’s. Is it possible that transitioning from the Salisbury steak drowning in gravy, to the pesto covered chicken breast with a salad (dressing on the side), may be altering how police are perceived and how they go about their business? Just consider the side effect of removing officers from sitting with the locals on the night shift in the local establishment. I have fond memories of Tim Hortons at 96th and King George Highway in Surrey and eating and kibitzing with the local street walkers, the ambulance attendants and the odd runaway from Surrey General Hospital. Many police officers instead are now found munching away in their vehicles, eyes fixed on their computers and cellphones for entertainment when enjoying their 10-62 (even this has apparently changed to Code 10-98).

Don’t get me wrong. I am not an advocate for obesity as a policing goal, but times are different now and I think I liked it better then. The eating habits of those bygone days seem to reflect a different attitude to the job, a type of personality more suited to the job of serving the public and being one of the members of a community. The eateries were meeting places where you became acquainted with the waiters and the cooks, where they often placed a pot of coffee in the middle of the table, and tried to entice you with the daily special. The diners and late night spots were in some ways the community policing stations of their day.

I was recently standing behind four young Vancouver City Police officers in line at the local Starbucks. All four, two women and two men looked sharp in their uniform, they were slim and looked to be in good physical shape. As they stood politely in line, people came up to them, asked them questions or made the usual “What no donuts?” remark. It made me hopeful. A few days later I was in my local Vietnamese pho shop when an older Vancouver City cop came in, and picked up an order, calling the shop owner of this cubby hole family restaurant by his first name. They shared a laugh and a nod of appreciation for the food and for the business. That also made me feel good. Although those deep fried delicious spring rolls probably were not as healthy (he should have gone for the salad rolls). It was clearly not this officers first time at the deep fried dance, as he did display more of that well-fed girth.

I liked both these groups of officers although I did not know them, but if I called the police for some form of assistance, I think I would prefer the latter, “spring roll cop”, to come to my apartment. I can’t say specifically why, maybe I just relate more to the older version. This, even though I know the first group would likely be more efficient with their words and their procedures. So was it their epicurean choices that would lead me to lean one way more than the other?

This may all be just a silly perplexing debate, of minimal importance in the overall measure of policing challenges and one for which there is no resolution, it is just merely an observation.

Maybe I am just hungry.

Photo courtesy of Andrea Clayton Vail via Flickr — Some Rights Reserved